How do you respond when your spouse asks a question like, ” Honey, can we spend more time together this week?” Or “Honey can we go out to dinner so we can spend time together?” How do you respond to a financial question. “Honey we really need…can we buy…?” What is your first reaction? Is it “No”? What would transform in your marriage if you said “Yes” more often? Have you examined why you are saying “No”? Have you looked at it from your spouse’s point of view? Are they thinking you always say “No, we can’t afford it, or No, I don’t have time”?
Saying no because you feel you don’t have the money or the time is a challenge. Let’s question that statement. Is there another way to say “Yes”; to be creative with money and time that opens up a possibilty that you hadn’t considered? Is there a solution you hadn’t thought of because you are either afraid, or because you didn’t take time to consider there could be a solution?
Before you quickly say “No” next time your spouse asks something, just stop and consider, what would it be like if I said “Yes?” Walk down the path in your mind. If I said “Yes” to this, what would take place? What needs to occur inside yourself for your answer to be “Yes” to your spouse?
John and Donna currently have an opening to accept a marriage coaching client in our schedule. If you know of anyone who is experiencing a challenge in their marriage, and is looking for help, we would love the opportunity to talk with them about the possibility of creating what they truly want in their marriage.
We believe marriages have the ability to be fulfilling and happy. We are passionate about taking marriages from good to great, and have many teaching tools and experiences that we would love to share with couples who are committed to their own marriages being great.
For more than 28 years our focus and vision has been to create the best marriage we possibly could for ourselves. We have achieved that goal and would love the opportunity to share our knowledge of what works with other couples.
With the divorce rate hovering around 50%, we stand out as a beacon of hope to any couple who believes you don’t need to be a statistic.
By applying the tools we teach, we can help you create a vision for your marriage that can generate real, lasting results and transformation to strengthen your relationship for a lifetime of satisfaction and happiness.
Please call us with any questions,
To contact John and Donna
Call us at 303-718-1195
email us at firstname.lastname@example.org
Statistics show that most first marriages end in the early years, between the 5-10 year mark. Having been married 28 years, here are a few things I have found to be essential to a long lasting relationship.
1st essential-Be loving and affectionate every day no matter how you feel. Give verbal affirmations, give emotional support, give compliments, give physical touch-these are all essential to a strong relationship.
2nd essential- Share yourself and how you are feeling on a regular basis in a calm situation-not in the middle of a fight. Be honest in a kind way. Share your truth without blame or accusation.
3rd essential-Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Did I say forgive? For every fault you notice in your spouse, think of one of your own faults. It will keep you humble.
4th essential- Accept there will be conflicts and resolve all conflicts in as short a time as possible. Be sensitive and gentle with words or comments you can’t take back.
5th essential-Talk about money. Get past fear of the conversation about money. Get to know how each other think about it- explore why you have the ideas you do about money. Explore ways to solve money spending and saving differences.
6th essential-Be polite all the time-does that sound elemental?
7th essential-Compromise. Find a way to empower both of you in the decision making process.
8th essential-Serve your spouse. Initiate kind deeds for the person you love, regularly.
9th essential-Take care of yourself in mind, body and spirit-be as great, look as great, act as great as you can every day.
10th essential-Commit to the relationship-sounds like, ‘be polite’ in it’s elemental nature. But the essence is, are you in it for forever?
“As marriages evolve, they quiet down. They get deeper rather than more stimulating. More stimulating, is like a back scratch. Deeper is like a back massage. Deeper is more satisfying but less dramatic. It seldom occurs to people that the reason they seek so much excitement is that excitement is not very satisfying.
A couple’s sex life reflects this principle during the first two years of marriage. At first, sex is a major source of intimacy in marriage. As the relationship evolves, intimacy comes more from sharing and companionship than from sex. Couples who don’t appreciate what deepening is, become concerned when their relationship quiets down. They think something’s wrong. They worry they aren’t as sexually active and don’t pursue excitement as much. This concern creates unrest in their minds and, thus, in the relationship. Unrest lowers the intimacy level. Now, they have neither excitement nor intimacy.
They need to see that as marriage quiets down it becomes more fulfilling. The partners feel more relaxed-more themselves-in each other’s company, dropping even the most subtle pretenses. They become more open to life and each other. They get more enjoyment with less effort. They become more appreciative. When it is time to be out in the world, they are more rested and refreshed.
When a couple acquires a taste for contentment, they truely appreciate the deepening feelings in their marriage.”
Quote from ‘The Relatonship Handbook’ by Dr. George S. Pransky PhD
For a variety of reasons and backed by many stories, I’ve gone through life coming from a place of “I know better”.
Let me add some clarity so you really get what I am talking about. This can be interpreted as “I know better than you.” It’s actually a family joke because my siblings tend to come from the same place. Who knows the origin? Maybe because with six of us, you couldn’t show weakness without getting preyed upon (as I write this I’m chuckling because it still isn’t terribly safe!). Or really confident parents consciously or unconsciously setting an expectation of our being really confident children. No one to blame. I’m the one running the racket.
Going through life that way is not without its benefit. I am a very confident individual, willing to take risks, own responsibility, sit with CEO’s and Generals and not afraid to offer my opinion. It also comes with a price. During a conference this weekend, I had a realization that my relationships are impacted when I play this game.
When I come from a place of “I know better”, it can shut me off from people. I notice that I don’t listen as deeply because since “I know better”, I know what they are going to say. I notice that I don’t ask exploratory questions to understand their perspective. “I know better” has me quickly jumping to conclusions and solutions. There have been many things my kids have held back from me because they didn’t want to look foolish in the face of my “I know better”. I’ve missed out on some of the deep wisdom from my wife because “I know better” isn’t always safe. My opinions aren’t as well formed as they could be because “I know better” keeps me from exploring. Coaching of my clients has sometimes missed the mark because I hadn’t identified the heart of the matter.
Up until now, I’ve made “I don’t know” a weakness that I didn’t want to expose. And now I can see the power of coming from that place. I can see how it would have me listen more fully. I can see how I would ask more questions to really understand. I can see how my opinion would be augmented by another’s perspective. I can see how it would make me more available and approachable. I can see how I can be of service to come from a place of “I don’t know”. It moves me in to curiosity, caring, patience and honoring others. Knowing this makes it so much easier to say “I don’t know, tell me more.”